Facing the Fear of Being Alone

The thought of spending time alone is like a dream to me. Well...on most days.

When guests have come and gone. When I clock out for the 40 hour work week.

When I've reached my absolute limit on words and my brains' filter has been compromised.

Nothing else sounds as good as a few hours to myself with a pint of gelato and a Marvel re-run (or let's be real: a cleaning frenzy).

Go beyond the time I would actually enjoy by myself?

It's terrifying.

Yup, this A+ introvert fears being alone. Unbeknownst to most, spending a long period of time by my lonesome is actually one of the top struggles I battle with. Really.

It doesn't hit me as hard until Jason leaves for a business trip or I'm out running around during the day and this feeling of "Oh crap, I'm alone alone" falls upon me as if the storm of all centuries has come knocking on the door of my brain, and then let's itself in without me answering.

Doubts and anxieties about all the things welcome themselves in and kick my confident, independent thoughts that were once there right out.

So please don't be fooled, the words I say and write are all of what I'm working on as I go. Though I've come a long way and feel confident enough in sharing some of my new found routines and healthy patterns with you, I have not mastered the art of how to be happy with me at all times - even when I'm the only one in the room - because I am a work in progress.

As we are all meant to be (how dull would this life be if we were already "there" without any of the experience of the way? Can we really consider that growth? I think not).

Before I get to where we learn how to cope and manage the time we have when we're stuck in this fear, I want to point something out.

There is so much we can benefit from spending time by ourselves. However, this belief has been tainted by the views handed to us on a pretty picture that proclaims messages like if we spend more then 15 minutes by ourselves we're not allowing ourselves to enjoy the fullness of life - or allow room for growth in our relationships and ourselves.

Because, obviously, the only way you can grow and learn is by never spending time alone.

I want to call this out as a straight up lie because we can learn just as much about ourselves when we take the time to sit with our thoughts and process them then when we are in a constant moving crowd.

Don't fear being alone in short periods of time. This is good for you - this is healthy for you. What I want to touch base on is when we go beyond that limit we're comfortable with.

When the fear comes knocking just before the door is broken off its' hinges.

The Core of This Fear

I think the center of this fear is based on the fact that in the time we're given alone, we're learning more about who we are without all the noise, glitter and people and some of what we find leaves us to dislike who we are.

Or that we're too much - not enough - and people will leave us because of that.

Most of these worries are founded on assumptions that we've conjured up in our minds, possibly based on previous events, and we are now putting those anxieties on those in our lives. If someone had the nerve to leave or to tell you that you're not worthy of friendship, a relationship or a family even?

They need to go ask the good Lord for some forgiveness because that says no truth about you and who you are.

If anyone says something untrue about you, but you feel it might be because you feel like crap sometimes - oh honey, God's grace is bigger than the messes we've made and so much greater than the lies others say about us.

So whether you're living in this fear right now or you tend to believe people will leave you high and dry one day, I'm learning the following ways have helped me to face this dreadful season with sparks of hope at the center of it all:

How to Face This Fear Head On

1) Know This Sucks & That's Valid: We beat ourselves up so easily when we feel any kind of negative emotion - including loneliness. When you're raised to not say anything if it's not nice at all or are led to believe that burying your anger is better than confrontation as a child, those habits go with you into adulthood (shocker). However, when we put in the effort to acknowledge the fear of loneliness by calling it out as it is and realizing that what we're feeling is not bad, it frees us to look at ourselves in a different and better light. It's 100% valid.

How we act on it? What we do with this fear? That's what matters. It matter's because that what is going to determine the outcome when the storm finally passes.

Don't lean into it or become numb by the fear. That's what the worst parts of us want.

Gather all the feels, redirect your focus to the perspective you know you have in you. Take deep breathes and take a long shower. You're going to be alright.

2) Seek Out Who is Really in Front of You: During times like this, we think a little scroll on social media will do us some good (why brain, why?). Key to getting over that hump of loneliness: don't compare your tribe to someone else's. I tell Jason every now and then that I have no friends. This is of course a lie that my inner critic feeds me, and even though it's bitter, I swallow it and take it as my truth. It can be so easy to look at people around you who seem to have a large army of people by their side and you look and see those who can be counted on one hand. It makes you feel like you have no one. But you know what? We all have at least one person we can call and rely on for almost anything. And keep in mind, if a person doesn't answer your call right away, it doesn't mean they are annoyed by you, it means they have other things going on so they're not able to hang around their phone. Remember your own tribe. Seek out those who are actually in front of you and prove your assumptions wrong.

3) Create a Rhythm: When we're with a group of people, we get into somewhat of a system on what we do: go to a favorite local cafe, hang around the house, walk the dog, etc. Well, it's time to find your own rhythm when this fear arrives. For example, when I realize how bitter of a driver I am becoming, I've learned to do some deep breathing exercises and turn down the volume on the radio.

We are creatures of habit, after all. When we are faced with a season of ouch, our auto pilot is telling us to fall, groan, and stay down until someone else picks us up - because that's what we're used to. Create a different rhythm. One that will draw you out of the well of hurt, and not drag you deeper.

4) Remember Jesus: I'm going to go out on a limb here and remind you that you are not truly alone. Really.

Don't forget that the same God who created you, loves you dearly, and wants you to grow stronger from this is with you still.

Yeah, it sucks.

But you know what? How many trials have you gone through and not learned something to better yourself for it in the end? When you can't feel, see, or hear Him as it is - even on the good days - it's so hard for us to lean closer to Him rather than the fear that seems more real then He is in the moment. When we feel so fragile that anything will make us break, He knows. This season, like all seasons, will not last. I also want to add that when we ask God to use us and that His will be done in and through us - we better put our money on the fact that this includes the messes too. He never said it would easy. So why do we get surprised when our hearts ache? He hasn't left - especially when you're alone.

5) (Re)discover What Brings You Joy: Not what the world says, not what Julie does. What YOU like. When you're used to doing certain activities with others that you wouldn't initially choose to do yourself, it opens so many windows of opportunity for you to dig into what you really enjoy. And when you actually don't have anyone else's opinion on what you're going to do with the day you have by yourself, it makes it a little easier.

You don't need to be with people to do something. We train ourselves and see everywhere that things are better in groups. I think there's truth to this, but I would remove the word better from our vocabulary when comparing social interactions to rest. We need both to survive, people.

Neither is worse than the other. Some days it's obvious to us that we need to be with company, and others we really need to just step back and be by ourselves. You can't enjoy one without the other.

Try not to limit what you can do by yourself to activities that have to do with silence or sitting on the couch. Sure, there are a lot of things I love to do in both categories when I'm alone. However, there are so many more things for you to do.

Remember the things you wanted to do so badly when you had the busiest week ever? And you said you would get to those things once you had some down time? This is your down time. Don't focus on the fact that you're by yourself, use this time to enjoy it (aaaand get things off the to-do list).

Final Thoughts

We are all going to face seasons that we wish could either last a bit longer or seasons where we're left questioning why we had to endure it in the first place (I mean, can't we just stay in bed all day and ignore our problems? No? Alright). and when i say "all" I really mean all. You're a human reading this right? Okay, then you're going to go through some seasons where you feel downright lonely. Sorry if you were told otherwise, that's kind of just how it is.

Spending time alone is not a bad thing and neither are the worries that flood our minds in regards to the being alone longer than we are comfortable with.

We have to remember - there is no growth in comfort zones. Discovering more about ourselves - including the parts we hide from everyone and tune out - is healthy because we get to work through the good, bad and ugly. And guess what? You're not alone through this process.

Go grab a friend, loved one, heck, even a co-worker you don't hate so much and plan a time to grab coffee. Get lunch. Go on a hike. Act against the fear, don't feed into it.

You decide how this narrative is written.

When darkness tries to roll over my bones When sorrow comes to steal the joy I own When brokenness and pain is all I know Oh, I won't be shaken, no, I won't be shaken

- Bethel Music -